September 2009
11 posts
Best Way to Spell "Tiffany?" →
Lowbrow Answer: “Tiffani” Have we really become so smitten with the Apple corporation that everything has to have an “i” in it now? Steve Jobs isn’t that great, I promise you. Everywhere I…
Most Legit Type of Cancer? →
Lowbrow Answer: Lung Cancer Let me guess. You’re a smoker. Nice job. I’m proud of you. Still feel cool and rebellious now that you’re getting Chemo treatments once a week? Awesome. My…
Best Version of Jet Li? →
Lowbrow Answer: American Movie Jet Li Every movie that Jet Li has done in America blows. Like, literally every one of them. I don’t understand how the guy keeps getting work in this…
Best Night of the Week to go out? →
Lowbrow Answer: Friday Kill me. Hordes of coked-out twentysomethings charging out of the workplace and right into a nightclub so they can drink till they’re sick and then go home with a…
Best Place to Keep your Blackberry? →
Lowbrow Answer: In Your Hand Has anybody besides me noticed that there is a fighting number of people who carry their blackberries around in their hands? Like, all night. Like, the whole…
Best Kind of Bicycle? →
Lowbrow Answer: BMX Hey, idiot. I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but you’re riding a bike that’s way too small for you. You look like some a cartoon character the way your…
Most Legit Form of Childhood Trauma? →
Lowbrow Answer: Divorce Boo-hoo. My parents don’t love each other any more. My world is ending. Yeah, join the club. With more than half of American marriages ending in divorce, this…
Best Sketch Comedy Show? →
Lowbrow Answer: Saturday Night Live While the current cast is in pretty good shape, this show has had some rough patches. For every Andy Samberg, we’ve had two or three Joe Piscopo’s. Even…
Update →
I’m in New Hampshire. Leave me alone, prole whore. Back on Tuesday.
Best Confederate Leader in Civil War? →
Like the Civil War? Find out the best movie on the subject here. Lowbrow Answer: George Pickett “Okay, men. Here’s the plan. We want you to run across that mile of open field. Then…
Best Island Nation? →
Lowbrow Answer: Japan Has anyone else noticed that Japan is basically an immature eleven-year-old girl on Angel Dust? Look at the culture of that place. Everything is bright and neon and…
Best Feature of Facebook? →
Lowbrow Answer: The Status Update Dear Everyone in the World, I don’t care what you are doing in each minute of your life. If I did, I’d call you up every quarter-hour and ask you what…
August 2009
16 posts
Best Street Artist? →
Lowbrow Answer: Banksy I have an idea. I’m going to create cool graffiti drawings and put them all over England. They’re going to be anti-capitalist and have edgy messages about questioning…
Best Logo for a Champions League Soccer Team? →
Lowbrow Answer: FC Sheriff (Moldova) Let me get this straight. Your club is called “FC Sheriff,” so you put a big, gold Sheriff’s star in your logo? That’s the best you could do? How do you…
Best Thing to Take to a Rock Concert? →
Lowbrow Answer: A Camera I have an idea. Let’s go to a concert and spend the whole time taking grainy, out-of-focus pictures of the band from 400 yards away. We can also shoot some shitty…
Best Casino Game? →
Lowbrow Answer: Roulette How To Play Roulette- 1. Sit down. 2. Place random bets based on blind luck. 3. Wait for man to call out number. 4. Repeat steps 1-3. Anybody feel like you’re…
Best Weapon in Mario Kart? →
Like Mario Kart? Check out more here. Lowbrow Answer: Star You’re faster, you’re invincible, and you’re in technicolor. I guess that’s what you get for eating a celestial body….
Best Person that I'm in Vegas with right now? →
Lowbrow Answer: Summer and Lore Since we arrived in Vegas, these two have attended a Kings of Leon concert, each eaten three plates worth of buffet food, and won a total of seven dollars…
Best Dinosaur? →
Lowbrow Answer: Stegosaurus Look at you. Your brain is the size of a walnut, you waddle around like an invalid octogenarian, and you’re really only alive to feed the raptors. You’re a…
Best Way to Get Skinny? →
Lowbrow Answer: Get Liposuction Let me get this straight. You were lazy, so you got fat. Now you want to be skinny, but you’re still lazy. So you hire a surgeon to do it for you. Well done….
Back On Monday →
Hello little proletariat piggies. I’ll be back on Monday. I’m a bit busy spraying Highbrow Juice all over LA this weekend. Snuggles, Karl
Best Mobile Telephone? →
Lowbrow Answer: The iPhone My god, I’m sick of Apple. Everything they put out feels like it was designed by the people at Playskool. Big buttons, bright colors, cute little noises. Am I…
Best Weezer Album? →
Lowbrow Answer: Any Album besides The Blue Album or Pinkerton What the hell happened to this band? Did somebody give them all a lobotomy? They used to be so rad, but now they just sing…
Best Reason to go to the Theatre? →
Lowbrow Answer: Musicals Does anybody else think it’s incredibly coincidental that every time somebody starts singing, the entire population of the town seems to suddenly know the…
Best Last Name Option for a Newlywed Girl? →
Lowbrow Answer: Hyphenate it I don’t understand why women are so proud of choosing this option. You’re basically celebrating indecision. I’m not totally sure why this is even allowed. For…
Best State Nickname? →
Lowbrow Answer: The Land of Enchantment (New Mexico) Is this a state or a level in World of Warcraft, I can’t tell. Who are you trying to impress with this nickname? Six-year-old girls? I…
Best Drinking Water? →
Lowbrow Answer: Bottled Are we kidding with this? We are, right? I can’t believe that selling bottled water actually exists as a viable way to make money. What a con. I should start…
July 2009
16 posts
Best Mechanism for Improved Eyesight? →
Lowbrow Answer: Contact Lenses I’m not sure when we all decided that it was a good idea to stick our fingers into our eyes on a daily basis, but I’m not okay with it. Stick your finger into…
Best Wheeled Footwear? →
Lowbrow Answer: Heelies My god, these are horrible. As if children aren’t already annoying enough, now they zip around on their heels like a swarm of yellow jackets. I need a 5-f00t long…
Best Form of Renewable Energy? →
Lowbrow Answer: Solar How have we not figured this one out yet? Didn’t every single calculator in 1989 run on solar power? And now, twenty years later, we’re still trying to make it work…
Best Activity Behind a Boat? →
Lowbrow Answer: Wakeboarding Ever since somebody invented surfing, lame middle-class white kids have tried to translate it to other sports: skateboarding, wakeboarding, snowboarding,…
Best Female X-Man? →
Like X-Men? Check out the male version of this post here. Lowbrow Answer: Jubilee Jubilee’s super powers blow. She basically shoots fireworks from her hands. I could get the same…
Best Kind of Doctorate? →
Lowbrow Answer: D.D.S. (Doctor of Dental Surgery) Let me get this straight. You’re spending years of your youth and thousands of dollars so that you can spend the majority of your adult…
Best U.S. Monument? →
Lowbrow Answer: Mount Rushmore South Dakota? What the hell is in South Dakota? That state is full of nothing by gun-toting republican militias and a varied assortment of wild bears, neither…
Best Way to Smoke Tobacco? →
Lowbrow Answer: Cigarettes Okay, you’ve made the decision to start smoking. Good for you. Nice work. So you wander up to a convenience store looking to sample the goods. And what’s on…
Best Deadly Sin? →
Lowbrow Answer: Gluttony God is basically saying that obese people are going to hell. They could be the nicest people on the face of the earth, but they’ll be burning in an eternal inferno…
Best Vacation Accomodation? →
Lowbrow Answer: A Bed-and-Breakfast Do I really want to leave my house and go on vacation so that I can travel away to… somebody else’s house? I’m trying to avoid sitting in a living room…
Best Shakespeare Play? →
Lowbrow Answer: Twelfth Night My god, this play is annoying. I’m all for suspension of disbelief, but this shit where a girl is playing a boy and nobody can tell the difference is…
Best Length for a Woman's Skirt? →
Lowbrow Answer: To the Thigh Trust me, I love vagina’s as much as the next guy. Maybe even more so. But I don’t need to see them while I’m eating an omelet at Denny’s or arguing with the…
Best Defunct Baseball Team? →
Lowbrow Answer: Orlando Juice (Played in the Senior Professional Baseball League from 1989-1990) “Orlando Juice” sounds like a member of the Wu-Tang Clan or a character on “The Fresh Prince…
Best Muppet? →
Lowbrow Answer: Ms. Piggy Alright, don’t think I’m sexist for choosing the one prominent female Muppet to be the lowbrow choice: I can’t help it if the one prominent female Muppet sucks…
Best Beatle? →
Lowbrow Answer: Paul McCartney What a toolbag. McCartney is responsible for all the dumb, poppy bullshit that the Beatles put out. You know the songs I’m talking about. It’s all the ones…
Best Movie about Robots? →
Lowbrow Answer: Transformers I can’t even tell who is fighting who in most of these battle scenes. It’s just a big mess of machinery and yelling and explosions. I feel like Michael Bay’s…
June 2009
20 posts
Best Oldschool Movie Monster? →
Lowbrow Answer: The Mummy Really? You’re covered in toilet paper and you’re going to chase me at a snail’s pace with your arms outstretched? I should just hang my clothes on your arms and…
Best Way to Shave? →
Lowbrow Answer: Electric Razor Every time I use one of these I can’t help but feel like I’m shaving my face with a vibrator. They’re just another example of American culture mechanizing…
Best American Coin? →
Lowbrow Answer: The Penny Are we serious about these? Were we ever? Pennies belong in the bin marked “stuff America is better without” along with slavery, the Salem witch trials,…
Best Biblical Plague of Egypt? →
Lowbrow Answer: Frogs (2nd) Let me get this straight. You’re God. You created the whole world in just six days. You invented man and woman and bears and snakes and toasters and Holland and…
Best Workout Apparatus? →
Lowbrow Answer: Ellipticals If you ever find yourself on one of these things, do mankind a favor and kill yourself. Are we so wimpy as a people that we can’t even run for real anymore? We…
Best Keyboard Instrument? →
Lowbrow Answer: Piano I can name at least forty songs right here, right now, that feature the piano and are utterly shit. For every “Pyramid Song” there are a hundred “Wherever You…
Best Way to Chat Online? →
Lowbrow Answer: Facebook Chat Wait, Facebook has a chat feature? When the hell did this happen? And whose dumb idea was it? One day I’m on there checking out bikini photos of this hot girl…